Take me out to the ball game

It’s baseball season–what else is going on?–so here’s a brief look at today’s game of the week, already in progress.

Color Announcer (CA): “A big welcome to those fans just joining us from the daily media lack-of-information update. I can assure you we’ll break away from the action for irrelevant and ominous news as always, but for now, you’re looking live at Amazon-Alphabet Stadium, with its Earthfield sponsored by the new iPuke, where the hometown Homo Sapiens are battling the upstart Virus from Corona.”

Play-by-play (PbP) man: “Let’s catch you up on the action. Y’all know Corona comes on strong, very aggressive, and this game has been no exception. Sapiens may be the reigning champion species, but the newcomer Virus is giving them all they can handle.”

CA: “In the top of the first inning, the Virus loaded the bases with no outs. Their clean-up hitter slapped a sharp, sinking line drive at Xi, the Sapiens’ rising star at third base. The Virus, as aggressive a team as I’ve ever seen, had the run and hit on, so the runners were all in full stride! Xi dropped it, then tried to pretend he caught it. As the runners rounded the bases, he lazily tossed the ball to WHO, on first (naturally), who then jogged into the dugout as if the inning was over. Corona cleared the bases before the umpires could even get Sapiens to return to the field. Before the first half of the inning was over, Corona had staked a big lead.”

PbP man: “If Xi makes the catch, he probably would have made an unassisted triple play. Been a real hero. As it was, just admitting the mistake and making a real throw would have gotten one or two of the runners out. In baseball, like life, it’s not what you do, but how you react that matters.”

CA: “So true. Did you get that off a greeting card?”

PbP man: “Fortune cookie from Chinese carry-out last night. By the way, how do you eat Kung Pao chicken with a mask on?”

CA: “You don’t eat it with a mask on; you eat it with chopsticks. But we’ll investigate that further if the game really gets out of hand.”

PbP man: “We’re now in the bottom of the third, and Corona continues to pile on runs while Sapiens has only a few scattered hits. Xi came out with a big stick and went deep, while the Sapiens infield of Merkle, Moon, and Tsai have played great defense, limiting Corona’s scoring opportunities despite the continued erratic performance by WHO’s on first. Right now, with runners in scoring position, Sapiens’ pitcher, the Big Orange Hurt, is at the plate.”

CA: Big Orange trumpets himself as a modern day Babe Ruth, phenomenal pitcher and batter, and this would be the time to shine, with runners in scoring position and two outs.”

Umpire: “Striiiii-iiike one”

PbP: “BO wasn’t even looking as that pitch was thrown, is that confidence, or what?”

CA: “I’ll take ‘or what’ for 500, Alex.”

PbP: “Who’s Alex?”

CA: “No, WHO’s on first, but the Sapiens are at bat, now, and . . .”

Umpire: “Striiiiiii-iiike two”

Pbp: “Looks like The Hurt is in the hole, down two in the count, and he seems to be arguing with the umpire.”

BOH: “That was SO not a strike. That was a ball. The BIGGEST ball. And I know a ball when I see it. When I throw a ball, it’s . . .”

Umpire: “Striiii-ike three, yer out!”

BOH: “I’m out? You’re out! You’re out of your mind, You’re fired!”

CA: “That ends the inning; it looks like the umpire got the best of that exchange. Let’s go to the Sapiens dugout where Pitching Coach Anthony “Mad Tony” Fauci will give us his thoughts about the game.”

Dugout reporter (Dr): “Tony, what can the Sapiens do to get back in this contest?”

Mad Tony: “Baseball ain’t bean bag, and it ain’t timed, either. As long as we got at-bats, this game is still on, however long it takes. I tell you this: we got solid mid-game relief, and we got the world’s best closer. I been watching Virus for a while now: they can’t throw a curve for nothing, and like Michael Jordan, they can’t hit a curve neither. It’s all fastball. Their stuff don’t mutate for (beep).”

Dr: “You’re referring to your closer, Big Pharma, and I suppose he’s already warming up?”

Mad Tony: “Sure, they jumped all over the Orange guy today, but our relief will give them some junk they ain’t seen before. And Big Pharma? Oh, he’s ready. One shot is all he needs.”

CA: “Mad Tony, a question from up here in the booth. How hard is it to keep Big Orange’s head in the game in a situation like this? I mean, from up here it looks like he’s as likely to bean WHO on first as fire one past the batter.”

Mad Tony: “See, The Big Orange guy is what we call E-rratic. It’s like unpredictable, but with more attitude. Not his best outing, but then nobody has played their A-game today; Virus does that to you. Makes you look sick, but only for so long. They’re a one-trick pony. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, . . . er, uh, we won’t get fooled again, I always say.”

CA: “Thanks, Mad Tony, words to live by, or at least play Quotable with. While Sapiens retakes the field, I sense the crowd is growing a little restless here at the iPuke.”

Stands Reporter (SR): “It’s pronounced Poo-kay, but you’re right about the crowd. They don’t like losing, they don’t like sitting six feet apart, and they don’t like wearing masks. There is a rumor swirling that the bathrooms are out of toilet paper, and the concessionaire is out of hamburgers. Don’t get me started on the price of beer. The crowd is still into it, making themselves heard, but nobody knows what they’re cheering. It doesn’t look like any Virus fans showed up, but a few fights have broken out among Sapiens’ supporters. Of course, it’s hard to land any blows at that distance, but many just seem to enjoy arguing! As if they had nothing else to do.”

CA: “Nor do we all. Let’s get back to the action, and just in time, here’s our play-by-play man, back from a break.”

PbP man walking in with armload of TP and hamburger: “Armed gunmen in the toilets, and a riot at the hamburger stand. Just another weekend in Philly to me.”

CA: “Let’s talk about your last family reunion another time. What do you expect from the Sapiens in the field, right now?”

PbP: “Big Orange has to settle down and just do his job. He’s got a great supporting cast and all the tools to win. No mocking WHO on first, no calling the umpire names, no random throws at hecklers in the stands. For their part, the fans need to get it together; they keep looking for who to blame, but the game isn’t over. The players aren’t playing that well, but for the most part they’re trying. Some of them look like they haven’t played this game in a hundred years!”

CA: “That’s oddly specific. But you must admit, some of the players have been, well, lackluster?”

PbP: “Behind the plate, E. Union has been solid, but pretty much just goes along and reacts. The outfield has been literally all over the place. In right, The Swede acts like it’s just another game. Mack Ron always looks great in center and Boris looks awful in left, and I mean, he always looks awful. He looks sick now. They may have to replace him, but all they have on the bench is Jair B. and he seems to spend more time in the stands with the fans then on the field. You play the game with the team you have, not the team you want.”

CA: “Right. And by that, you mean . . . ?

(long pause)

PbP: “Well, you’ve got your known knowns, which are the things you know that you know. Then you got your unknown knowns, which you don’t even know you know, but you know. And of course your known unknowns, which you know you got to figure out because you know you don’t know them. But the real problem is them unknown unknowns, because, well . . .

CA: “You don’t know that you don’t know them?”

PbP: “No, that’s ridiculous. Surely you jest!”

CA: “That’s just how the quote ends. and don’t call me Shirley. To finish up, what does Sapiens need to do when they come to bat”

PbP: “They’re down nine-to-one, it’s only the top of the fourth. As Yogi Berra liked to say, you only score runs one at a time in baseball.”

CA: “What about a grand slam? Isn’t that four runs in one at bat?”

PbP: “You arguing with the Yogi? See, first the batter runs to first, and the runner on third runs to home. That’s one run. The the runner on second runs to third, and the runner on first goes to second. Then the runner on third goe…

(Commotion in the booth, as a handsome, immaculately coiffed man ((ICM)) enters and grabs the mike.)

ICM: “We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an extremely important announcement. Homo Sapiens is in danger of losing the game, the series and the entire planet.”

CA: “Wait a minute! Who are you? and why did you say ‘we” when it’s just you?”

ICM: “I identify with the royal we, and prefer the first person plural pronoun; I am the instantly recognizable face of network news.”

CA: “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”

ICM, after a pause to consider the impossibility of not being recognized: “Our sources have learned that Homo Sapiens is losing by AT LEAST eight runs, and it could get worse. Fans are so upset they are rioting in the stadium, and food shortages have been identified.”

CA: “OK, first of all, the team is losing by eight runs, not ‘at least eight.’ What does that even mean? Second, it could get worse because the other team is at bat, and you can only score when your team is at bat. So it’s just as possible it could get better.”

PbP man: “and the fans are angry about toilet paper, not the team. They ran out of hamburgers, not food!”

ICM: “Again, to summarize: Homo Sapiens is definitely losing, violence is breaking out, and we are running out of food.” Stay tuned for further updates, and watch our special this evening: ‘How bad is it and how much worse can it get?’ We now return you to your original programming.”

ICM leaves the booth. CA and PbP man look at each other and shrug.

CA: “Back to the game! Sapiens shut down Virus in the top of the fourth, and now they have runners on base with no outs. Is this the rally all fans have been waiting for?”

PbP man: “Maybe the start of something big, or maybe the rally fizzles. In any event, the game is only half over, and maybe the fans should pay more attention to the results on the field, and less attention to how it’s characterized. I know this: in the end, we will know the score and how each player contributed to the outcome. Along the way, all we have is speculation and opinion, and we all know that opinions are like (beep)holes; everybody has one, and they all stink.”

CA: “didn’t get that from a fortune cookie, did you?”

PbP: “No it just occurred to me when the network guy started talking.”