Don’t rain on my (stupid) parade!

Usually, social media nonsense runs off me like water off a soldier’s poncho. But this time, it forced me to summon my inner soldier. Be forewarned: this post may contain flashing anger, strong language, smokin’ rhetoric, but no nudity. At least I think not.

There is a specter haunting DC. A threat so terrible it must be stopped. A crime against all that is holy, humane, and intelligent. It is wasteful of time and money, unnecessary, and potentially damaging to our delicate infrastructure. It is a birthday celebration. And a parade.

On June 14th, the US Army is going to celebrate its 250th anniversary. It’s going to have a big parade in Washington, DC. Army leaders love parades; soldiers don’t. I know. As a onetime cadet and alum of the “long, gray line,” I participated in more parades than most any other soldier (short of the Old Guard at Arlington). We paraded twice a week, sometimes three times when Saturday seemed like too much of a day-off. And I hated all of it: the getting ready, the practice parades, the occasional mid-parade rainstorm, the cold north wind blowing down the Hudson river, the sunburn on one’s exposed ears. I still have “too late/not ready” dreams about West Point parades, as my subconscious seeks something about which to stress.

I hated all the parades, but one. I got “awarded” to march in President Reagan’s inaugural parade (depicted above). The reward was a heavily-policed bus ride to a barracks in Virginia, locked in for a night so we couldn’t commit any misdemeanors, then the honor of being the lead military unit (oldest unit comes first) in the parade line, which put us first after all the horse-mounted civilians. Yes, a great pair of corfam shoes ruined, and trousers which forever after had the faint hint of horseshit. But it was worth it, I think.

So I speak from no love of parades. But I do have great respect for the Army. It deserves a celebration. It didn’t choose to be born on June 14th, 1775. The Continental Congress created it that day. Nor did it choose to make 2025 a special anniversary. The Navy will celebrate the same on October 13th. The Navy won’t have a parade: they’re terrible at marching (just watch any Army-Navy football game march-on). Perhaps they will have a group swim, although I once told a naval officer “isn’t there something terribly gone wrong when a sailor is ‘in’ not ‘on’, the water?” He was unamused. The Marine Corps will celebrate this year, too, on November 10th (of course) The Marines are also eschewing a parade. They would be magnificent if they did it, with 3D holograms of beach landings, drone fireworks, and 24 hour press coverage, naturally. The Air Force will have nothing, as they are about as old as a great Scotch. But I digress.

The parade should be a blast: over 6,000 soldiers with full guidon regalia. Army aviation flyovers. Storied units, with some soldiers in era-appropriate gear (Even I would sign up for that. Hell, I marched in wool–not Merino wool, by the way–in a uniform design from the war of 1812. It combined the breathability of polyester with the smell of damp sheep). This parade should be a visual re-collection of our nation’s history , and one not likely to be recreated in our lifetimes.

Yet something about the Army’s parade has set people’s collective hair on fire. I can’t put a finger on it. Some say it will cost too much; estimates range from US$16-45 million! One note: when estimates range that widely, they’re basically what the Brits call shite. If you count things like “military pay,” “overtime,” and “training time loss” and give them monetary value, you can make a cost estimate as large as you like. President Obama’s inaugural cost the government a very real US$50 million. The federal government spends $50 million every four years on each of the party nominating conventions. The DOD Comptroller reported in 2023 the department spent US$86 million on diversity activities. And the list goes on. Somehow, this one-time, semiquincentennial expense alone merits unique opposition.

But it’s not only about the cost. There are serious national security concerns, too, I’m told. Those soldiers won’t be training. As if one week-plus of downtime was going to be the difference next war. One numbnuts (a technical Army term for someone who should know better) actually said ‘the Army was wasting time and money moving heavy vehicles cross country rather than using them for training.’ Learning how to cross-load an M1 Abrams tank correctly on a train at a railhead, planning the routes so it doesn’t get decapitated by a bridge, and getting all the supplies, fuel, and parts to the right place at the right time ARE training, amigo. Better yet are those who complain that the vehicles might harm DC roads (have you driven there? There are potholes which could double as anti-tank barriers!) or perhaps damage the bridges. Hmmm. Guess the Army never learned how to check that out. Or maybe it already did (hint: Google is your friend):

So no, this isn’t about cost, nor is it about damages, nor is it about military preparedness. This is all about one thing, and one thing only: Donald J. Trump. It seems the Army had the great misfortune to share its birthday with the 47th President of the United States. For that sin, people are calling for the parade to be cancelled, and some idjiots are even planning a protest.

During his first term, French President Macron invited then-president Trump to attend the massive Bastille day military parade in Paris. Trump was impressed, and wanted to do the same in Washington. Not because there was any reason to do so, just because he wanted to do so. It never happened. Now there is an excuse. Do I think Trump readily agreed to any request for an Army birthday celebratory parade? Of course he did. Do I imagine the Army seized on the opportunity? I hope so. If the Army staff didn’t point out the fact there will never be more White House support for a parade than this President, this year, it was malpractice. Every interest group looks for White House support. It just so happens the Army got lucky.

So riddle me this, Batman: if Trump were born on the same day as the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, would we be calling to “stand down” vice “stand up” that day? If the Army held its parade on June 13th, would it be ok? Sometimes dates and commemorations are inconvenient. I know people who were born or got married on September 11th; should they not celebrate because of the terrible evil of that day? I don’t feel I am going out on a limb to say the Army will only have one 250th birthday; why spoil it because of someone else?

If you hate Donald Trump, you have a lot of company. Get together and hold a birthday party for Harriet Beecher Stowe, Burl Ives, Pierre Salinger, Che Guevara (!), Pat Summitt, Boy George, Steffi Graf, or the United States Army, all of whom share birth-dates. You can resume your non-stop hatred the next morning, and I’m sure there will be something about which to be angry. In the meantime, tell a soldier “happy birthday” and buy them a drink. If you’re in or near DC, show up and give them some love. They’re marching whether you’re there or not, but I’ll admit, an enthusiastic crowd is at least a distraction from the horse turds.

Everybody else: drop the silly pretenses, and leave my (stupid) parade alone.